It is True!

Now the secret is out. Michael told me that he likes me, no, actually he told me, he loves me. I don't know how to react the moment he told me. I am happy and at the same time confused about the whole thing. Imagine, for 2 years he's been suppressing his feelings for me. He had been convincing himself that it isn't serious, that I'm just really his Ate but I guess real feelings cannot be hidden for long. Sigh. He asked me to give him a chance and I did. Lately we've been acting like we're already a couple although he hasn't really courted me formally. I don't know if we are really going to be a couple anytime soon. The problem is: myself. I don't know if I love him the way he wants me to love him. I am really confused. I hope before I turn a year older, I'll finally be able to sort my feelings out. I want to be fair to him and to myself. We both deserve to be happy so I need to make the right decision. I sure hope I can make the best one. But for now, I'll just enjoy everything that comes my way.

More confusion.

Hay...I have just realized that I've been talking about 4 different guys here (see old posts). Tsk...tsk...but not one made it (read: we did not end up together). Now I'm going to talk about a new guy. He's been kind of making me feel extra special although he had always reiterated that he considers me as his Ate. Really? But why do I feel like it is more than that? I would not dare ask him how he really feels about me since I am almost a hundred percent sure that he likes me more than a sister and I don't know how to react. Even a rock would feel how special I am to him right now. I am just citing a fact. Let's just what happens in the next few months.

Forcing Myself to Move On

It's been nine months and I haven't really moved on. I'm really trying, believe me, but I always fail. I don't know how I'll be able to move on when I'm with him six days a week. It just saddens me that I can no longer hold him the way I used to. I still miss him. I miss the days when we just talk and have dinner before heading home. Sigh. I wish I'll find Mr. Right soon so I can fully give him up. I know I am being unfair to everyone by still feeling this way; I'm so unfair to his son, to his wife and I am being most unfair to myself. I pray that the right one will come my way sooner than I can say it is really over. I don't think I can bear this any longer; my heart is literally hurting and I don't want this to kill me.

Chaos

Sigh. For the past couple of months I've been so confused. Confused about life --- what should and should not be done. I have been so miserable that I am almost always cranky, grumpy...I'm even having skin breakouts because of this darn misery! Where is this all coming from? Well, I'm turning 28 but I still haven't found him or he hasn't found me. It isn't actually bad if you're single but people around me are making me feel that it is!!! Of course, I would want someone beside me but I cannot force things. I thought I already found him a year and a half ago but destiny had other plans. Six months ago, September 4 to be exact, supposedly our first year anniversary, he dropped the bomb, the truth is, I already knew about it. I only need an affirmation, well, he just did. She was six months on the family way. Great. Just great. They'll be married on the 10th, he said. Congratulations!!! Where does that leave me? Nowhere. Sigh. I would have wanted to tell him that had he broken up with her when he told me that he loves me then, he would have gotten married to me instead (which by the way, would have been a hundred times better). Well, what's done is done. I just hope they'll be happy. As for me, I have to move on and get on with my life. The problem is, I cannot do it faster if no one's going to make it a lot easier. Read: calling all eligible bachelors --- gwapo, mabait, smart from a reputable school, may equally gwapong kotse, has his own business or a very stable job, may sense of humor; kindly submit your resume together with a 2x2 photo, NBI clearance and medical certificate. Priorities will be given to those who will submit the requirements personally. Haay...life.

Time to Quit?

It really made me want to cry in embarassment. I was so ashamed of myself that all I want to do is vanish into thin air. Am I that desperate to cause a break-up? Although I have no intention of doing that, it almost went that far.

This is Surreal!!!

Oh my gosh! April 28,2006 --- he finally asked me out...although it was only a friendly date, just the thought of having dinner with him sent "shivers" down my spine...haha!!! =) It was just an hour and 45 minute-dinner between friends who have not seen each other for a year...but it felt so surreal, for me, at least. He may not feel the same towards me but I just missed his company that I don't care if we'll remain friends for eternity. I have just realized that I'll be missing a lot if I'll let him go just because we can never be a couple...(well, it might be too early to say but it's better not to be so hopeful). My choice of restaurant may have been a little disappointing but it's actually the person you're sharing dinner with that counts more. =) What's even greater is that he told me that there's going to be a next time!!! I can't wait for that next time, I am just hoping that it would not take another four months before he can "schedule" another one. Sigh. =)

Am I Really Falling?

Am I? Okay...I appreciate his simple gestures---opening doors, waiting for me to get inside the elevator first, his kakulitan, his love for music and for his profession and most especially, for his mom & dad. Uh-oh...is this really it? I even texted him and told him I am just going to make him kulit... that word! When that word comes out of my mouth...there's already something brewing. I don't know if this is it. I think it is just too fast. I've known him for only 4 months and I don't know if that is enough. He does not fit into that "darn standard" - the chinito-fair skinned-patpatin-single syllable-surnamed-type. He is actually the opposite --- the moreno-medium built-type. But he's just so darn nice!!! I can't help but be "awed". What am I to do? I don't even know if he likes me. Sigh. I hope I'll be able to resolve this dilemma soon...