CRUSHED

It was him who made my "hell day" yesterday bearable. Imagine having to line up for 6 hours for that darn driver's license inside a "shanty" they call the LTO office with cigarette smoke choking me to death, add it up to the "intelligent" LTO people who don't seem to know how to read while you're hoping against hope that you wouldn't be swept away by the sudden flood rampaging on the place...if that isn't hell I don't know what is! Oh and I almost forgot, I had my lunch at 6 pm, thank you. But all that seemed tolerable because of him; his text messages. He was so nice the past few days that I'm beginning to think that "hey, probably he's starting to like me." But just this afternoon, after another barrage of getting-there-type-of-messages, I started to wonder if his messages are really meant for me. Imagine how my heart fluttered when he asked me to watch a movie with him, I almost fainted with excitement. I thought this is the start of my seven-year-dream...then it hit me hard on the face---he thought I was someone else, he mistook me for "her". I am not actually sure if it's the same "her" but I am positive that his messages are not meant for me. =( How can he be so careless? I've told him since last year, about four times already that it's me, that it's my new number and he knows. How come he's now confused as to whom he's texting? How can he be so cruel? He's been hurting me for seven years; seven long years --- he never seemed to care, he never knew how much he meant to me. Now, he's texting me again with messages punctuated with smilies and he's going to ask me who am I? I don't know if he's just too clouded with excitement about "her" or he's just simply stupid...so stupid that he did not feel how I felt for him all long. I really want to whack him on the head just so he'll wake up. How can he be this insensitive? How come he mistook me for someone else? That's the worst thing someone can do to another; mistook you for someone else, mistook your sincerity for someone else's...that hurts more than waiting in line for that license hungry, thirsty, tired and irritated for six hours. Being mistaken for someone else is a fate worse than death when all along you thought he already KNEW YOU; when you thought he meant everything he told you because you meant every single word you told him. It is like being killed over and over again, only you never die and that's worse, because you feel every pain and it doesn't stop. =,(

Complete BLOOD Count

June 1, 2005 was my first day at work and my last, too. I blew my chance of working with a large firm when I backed out citing "health reason". Well, there is actually some truth to it, although my brother's right when he said that the real reason is "an 80-20" thing. 80 being my phobia for blood check-ups and 20 for stress. I believe I can work for 8 hours in front of the computer with an aching back but I just can't stand the medical check-up! I went to the HR department to get the list of requirements to formalize my employment but just when I thought it would all be a breeze, I saw something written on the letter for my medical check-up --- COMPLETE BLOOD COUNT! Uh-oh!!! This can't be! The first and last time I had my blood test (for my allergies) turned me deathly pale! And that was just a little prick on my left ring finger. When I asked my one-time, now ex-officemate how the doctor conducts the blood test, she told me that the doctor uses a syringe to draw blood from the crook of the arm! What??? Do you want me to die? I don't know where my fear of blood started, actually, it's not blood per se but the thought of having blood drawn out of me. I can take tooth extractions but seeing blood oozing from my skin makes me nauseous, churns my stomach and just makes me scared to death! It may look funny at first but it's more serious than that. What happened to me last Wednesday made me realize how serious this is. Going home, while inside the FX, I just felt sick. I felt like throwing up and it all started when I realized that the next day would be my appointment with the company doctor. The COMPLETE BLOOD COUNT! I tried calming myself by thinking that probably, hopefully, the doctor would not need to get my blood sample because I just had a blood test two months ago. Maybe she can just use the results for my medical check-up but the "stomach churning" did not stop. I wanted to throw up inside the vehicle and my vision is starting to blur! I thought I'm going to pass out. Thank God, I still managed to go home safely. I told my parents about it and they told me that it was probably that blood count, after all. Now, I'm unemployed again. Add up my former schizophrenic, egoistic, unprofessional bosses who do not want to give me a clearance when it was them who told me to take a "leave" after my own leave, that leaves me --- I can't find the appropriate term to describe my current state... Sigh. I hope I can overcome this fear before it ruins my whole life. How can I work in larger firms abroad with stricter medical rules when I can't bring myself to the doctor to have my blood sample taken? I'm actually considering going to a shrink just to stop this whole blood phobia thing but that is so pricey...I'm unemployed, remember? For now, I'm wishing for more small rackets which I can do to while away the time and at least earn some. I'm praying that the good Lord will make me win the lottery so I can start my own dream garden-restaurant. I promise I'll be good just don't make me undergo a complete blood count.